[13 Mar 2008|12:57am] how can you be afraid of losing something if that something is never afraid of losing you? post comment

[20 May 2007|05:24am] i’ve lived my life i’m done. i’ve always craved death, i do wish for distance. to be misunderstood,. i hav eto lies for subjectivity for you to comprehend my inavailibility, to my unavodiablity and all the spaces for sublteies that deconstruct your fantasy of me. i won’t take a half bake solution, we aren’t aiming at revolution, just another constitution. constructed, deducted. hatching eggs and answers to solutions. we feed off resolution, resolved, involved, and freed from flaw. a condition that never waits, and that always hates. language creates, contracts and unavoidable contradiction, opposing inavailability, seen through your conception of ME. you otherize, to sumerize, to categorize, and improvise. we protect our pride, neglect our tribe, reflect our vice, in my face, impose disgrace, become my shame, its not a game. release my dreams, i must release you from my mind, always a dual, twice refined. post comment

[20 May 2007|05:04am] [ mood | working ] recently a rather close friend of mine suggested to me that i begin at the beginning, something like finishing learning, to start our journey. lets say, i can practically imagine re-creating an entire inner dialogue from age 11 to PRESENT DAY (i'm 22_) that to be understood in aa divergence in awareness, necessarily, not specifically for the first time conscious and not creative. instructive, rather destructive and immutable. we’ll drawn on multiple resources to recreate a diverse descriptive quality on the kind of experience i was subjected to and that i later manifested recreated and demonstrated, adaptation, mutilation, regeneration, deforestation, improvisation, let’s never finish. i can’t imagine that quitting is entirely up to us, we do sort of just end, and insofar as you begin, there is only your end, and all the degrees and shades that come inbetween. hi-lighted, by your super evolved ecoskull. the divergence in a need to be conscious as deviated from a noble perception. something that needed to distract me, when i lost a hope in distraction. hatred, retaliation,. adolescence is introspection, seeing the CYRPT. we can only resolve to be kids if we are willing to understanding that meaning in its less ness. post comment

[08 Apr 2007|01:31am] [ mood | lonely ] because i uncovered certainty, that births resolution.  not of or in a set of illusive opposites, symmetrical in form. i am need unresolved, and the only answer is not external fulfillment, with an objectifying aim: to possess the means to fulfillment, horde and form. the only answer is action.  giving myself completely. a decision. to be loved or lost, live or perish.  decision in a final attempt to engender imagination. post comment

two hearts beat as\one [08 Mar 2007|08:37am] [ mood | giggly ] when you wake up at 8 am every day, just because your body does, the sun is out. in a similar way when you wake up, the house is completely quiet, and its summer time in your dining room. warm streaming light the kitchen. and you feel what you've been thinking the past few days: i wonder if anyone believes in time travel? waking up where you left off. it has to be warm outside but somehow its cold again. and somehow china slips in to the air a\nd you really do look twice to make sure where you are. march 8th. you're sure you've been here before. "mom, mom will you jsut pinch me, i can't believe its really true." haha. she shows up with medicinal marijuana pills. elevators on parade. it was only a dream or something i read in a book once, but its as gone as waking up. you're senses are a little enhanced. i wish you could talk about something normal. i bet when people see you they think youre psychotic. don't worry. i wish she could find that recipe for happiness from fifth grade. really just thinking about music. the way you were dancing. all ringing in her ears. its like a big funeral every day. burning the dead which no one should see you smiling like that. WHICH REMINDS ME of those moments our hearts skipped a beat in time together, slow motion moments "i love it when that happens." try to imagine, of sound and vision spring break 1998! what really woke you up every morning? a bad dream. or the birds you could hear. post comment

[04 Mar 2007|05:34pm] [ mood | drunk ] so this is something of what a master cleanse is like: you are drinking a liter of salt water for breakfast, and the label on the bottle mocks you "thirst quencher" which sets the mood for your entire day post comment

but what's the matter with being consistent? [03 Mar 2007|08:18pm] somehow psyhcic link between my phone and brain. the more calls the more my head spins the harder it is to answer. so i can stop answering my phone. i feel like i'm hiding. i can not talk on the phone. there is this feeling like i'm being ripped apart because i can't interact with what i'm hearing, and i have focus without focusing. i have to stare at a wall... and it just isn't fun. does that sound like fun? once had to scream into a wall as a punishment at a camp i was sent to when i was 8. this was my second year of camp ever. all day in the summer. mon-fri. i had to sream into the wall for a while. i remember thinking it was kind of strange and unusual punishment, but that no one (adult) would take me seriously if i tried to tell them. there were a couple other kids with me. i think we actually got in trouble for screaming, and then they punished us by making us scream into a wall till we couldn't anymore. i never stopped. i remembered a reoccuring experience from my childhood today that i hadn't remembered in 4 years. that means that for 4 years of my life i was not influenced in anyway not only BY this experience or the recollection of it. i guess when i'm saying childhood here i mean the time up until 18 years. weird. but it revolves around math and i never had to take any math after highschool, partly because it had come so naturally to me. i remember feeling insulted almost by how easy algebra was in 6th grade. bored out of my skull. but starting around that time in school i would also have this very strange feeling come over me when i WAS doing any kind of math test. like a buzzing, whirly, windy, spinning feeling. it was very physical, but also in my thoughts. i don't know how else to explain it, but i felt like time was bending. i couldn't match the feeling of speed in my physical body with the speed of my conception of it. and i felt completely unhinged. i would stop for a minute and just watch my hand moveing. then suddenly remember i was taking a timed test. when i think about it now i'm sure this could be explained as not something that was induced by math, but something i be came aware of by the process of doing timed math/./?? i'm sure i might have thought i almost "felt" it during timed history & english too. but not nearly as "strong" so suddenly this morning i remembered it. my body hasn't exactly had a lot of sleep lately. and when i do go to sleep finally, i go through a single REM cycle and then wake up, unable to fall back asleep. in fact i don't even feel tired. so i've been staying up and this morning i was reading and fell asleep on the couch. i was half a sleep and could hear my roommate talking on the phone. i was def asleep though. and i started having the same "math" feeling... and i woke up. and remembered it. at some point last nite or this morning i also had a dream about one my friends. it was sexual enough to get the point across. he and i were in something similar to a hotel room, boarding house, wooden cabin. who knows. and we were trying to touch and kiss each other. but we were also watching a child, but i'm not sure why. and he would pop out every time and the guy i was with was like, oh man no we can't do this in front of him, common common. yea. really weird. i'm telling you. i felt so sleezy when i woke up, couldn't figure out why and then remembered that i had that dream. but it also makes you wonder what i really think about that guy. or how i felt but what's the matter with being consistent? i don't know.. it's boring post comment

the last day of your childhood [03 Mar 2007|07:30pm] watching my friend think through the paradox between the world has taught her and what she through herself, eduction, no more than her experience adults being difficult, and needing to learn on their own, control complex establishing authority or desperately necessary think about thinking about the void, which is not material, and even more unimaginable. knowing it to be the motion process we go, contradicting every fantasy imagination preceeding our action, only giving you the sum total of your existing prejudices and patterned behavoir & feelings lossing out let a hundred time before can't be the carefulest, being dangerous feigning inexperience, always making believing learning all the time on purporse so knowing, or just guessing or assuming acting like something was wrong with me was the right move reposition what wrong there might there be guilt and all the things within a span of what feels just a day in my memory. listen, learn hear the distance, difference. the redefining of time. i remember when i was living a life in the movies, and then realized i was stuck trying to make it like a movie... sitting watching movies, no one in movies is sitting watching movies. we don't never watch a movie of someone watching a movie. when i came back i didn't feel like watching movies anymore. i couldn't sit still. what was that all about? within a span of what feels just like a day in my memory. the world split in half, i got torn open, in its space was placed a nitemare. 1982. so, you're saying that everything was a fabrication? if you loved me mister, you would never leave me. simple liberating. what i meant to say, oh... silly. listen. he kept leaving, i kept being tricked, and then i just expected it. 1992. a break in time, better than boredom. and the uproar, soon violent flames. always mirroring the anger i'll never even understand. except that it has to be overcome. so in the mean time, you buy the time so that you can cry and try to make me feel bad, later. and what THEY should know better. i'm just remembering these things. now. after all this time. i can't find any more reasons to continue that way post comment

holiday [03 Mar 2007|07:04am] trying to get there remember that i'm the featured guest in an unimaginable unexpected verison of a setting i otherwise took forgranted of my mind's distant future the soundtrack is the best surprise play with that 3 comments|post comment

miss frankie [26 Feb 2007|01:55am] constant medicine feeling behind my eyes. constant medicinal fungus growing behind my face, over the back of my eyes. my inner goggles. tight feeling in my head. cramped space, it's getting tight up there. i had a dream that vegan cheese was pouring out of my belly button. i had a dream that i was sitting in a shallow pool of blue light, like water. (but surrounding, geometric walls scattered & lined with same blueness, sense of artificial tropical environment, like we were at a resort in las vegas... i've never been there) i was upset for some reason but the person next to me was yelling at me. i kept looking from him to the person with us, nameless male. i was just trying to help. over and over again. everything i said, how much he hated me. terrible dream. i never wanted to sleep again. a friend told me once that water in a dream is supposed to signify emotions. i think dreams are pretty blatant indications of issues we are struggling with, consciously or not? consciously avoiding. i don't know. i've never had such striking, memorable dreams in my life as i have in the past month. i've also never felt so functional yet inexpressible. words always guarded me. now falling out of my mouth expressing very little of the meaning i'm searching for. so frustrating, altogether nothing. my friend had a dream that she was given her partner's penis, to possess, in case she needed it... she expressed to me that she felt satisfied in her dream because her having his penis meant he hadn't been able to sleep with anyone else in that time span (relief?) control possession insatiable people are so strange ... functional yet inexpressible, unable/unwilling to come to conclusions old songs not so old forcing new memories fade into the past, letting go new memories distance greater, than reviving some consistently buried deeper, more common feels closer spending longer time together, reflection feels making more familiar guessing falling failing forgetting slow steady shock somehow forcing feeling finding what i feared the most 2 inch snow flakes falling looking softly safe capture to capitulate mental motion pictures? caked brown brick wood slick rooftop bending sky drips over buildings brown brick wooden slick stationary whirling white days in layers blowing over down suspended now falling there flakes bare post comment

synocpate the wiz [24 Dec 2006|08:21pm] adoration sweet cinnimon, bless my soul soft light isolated source fashioned frankness, boards n'lightning. i'm so amazed at the things that i see everything thaat i wished for 1 comment|post comment

as it is [06 Dec 2006|07:22am] grandpa smoked tobaccy. uhaul, eggs and all the games we play. please don't stay. not today. listen closer, let me finish. this isn't the end. underneath, in the sky. we'll have the time to glean our minds. 1:11 1:18. wash it all, it away. let me go. if you can't speak right. get out of my life. dancing spinning twirling tumbling. face the state, face your mate, face the day with a brand new pace. post comment

dreamers, dreams... [02 Dec 2006|06:25am] of the past, of the middle kingdom, how we stripped it all away. stripped ourselves away. when the snow falls, so do all the defenses. i can almost see you now, the corner of my soul... where i localized all my fears. you mean the water wasn't freezing as it came out of the hydrant? we pushed our beds together, dreamed our last, woke up here. we couldn't go back. regeneration knows better today. i wish it could teach me something. wam bam, fuck this shit. he keeps you in a box. i'm your love i'm your friend. i'm purity, it's me again. all the things you found without looking. missed out on without knowing. marine biologist? my first card. 1996. golden guns and rum and coke. we floated and faked it. we floated and faked it. we floated and faked it for 10 fucking years. i floated and faked it for 10 fucking years. i am the woman that you will never have to save. you will never have to save me. you will need your only key. your only key is what you need. to see what is free. the only thing that is free. see it in me. 5:11 5:18. i'm a pretender. every word points in a different direction. followed by every moment. slow down. marine biologist? the setting, the dressing, the colors carressing. colors and numbers. and you'll get all caught up, all caught up in the storm. that storm. the one. yellow sun, yellow streets, yellow river, yellow means. willow's branches. i want to run out those doors. never change never stop. never change never stop. change and you can't stop. it's the last stop. make lists make memories. pit stop, truck stop. my way or the highway. the last stop, never stop. we thought we lost you. we thought you were gone. we thought we lost you. i thought i lost it all. i understand. please distract me from myself. i distract me from myself. floated and faked it for 10 fucking years. and wishing you were dead. is this love? just stop, pit stop all the screaming and squealing. when every morning brings its fucking christmas time. hold on, it's going to be alright. hold on. slow down. let me finish. post comment

3rd times [29 Nov 2006|06:13am] i'm breathing heavily, the livejournal made me promise 3 times that i was a human before i could make a new account. the old rambling jibberjabberings post comment

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